Whats for Lunch?
by daapatemysoul
Summary: Smutty comments and hot dogs. Well, hotdogs are on the menu. The boys just have their minds in the gutter. (Relena bashing, loads of smutty comments, yaoi, implied..everything. Random humor.)


**Warnings: **Relena Bashing, lots of Yaoi, pure sexual references.. yeah.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Gundam Wing, I would be rich. And if I was rich, I would be wearing a Ren Fest outfit right now. *looks at her jeans and t-shirt*

**A/N**: Okay, the random insanity of my lunch table has finally eaten away at my brain. Here it is. This is (frightenly enough) based off of conversations I have on a daily basis with my fellow permanently gutter minded friends. Okies- **Important background**- yep, that's right. This fairly plotless, mindless piece has background info. All 5 gundam pilots are gay. They all live together in one of Quatres mansions. Wufeis bf (yes, even Wufeis getting some. Okay now, on the count of three- one...two.three- *gasp!*) also lives there. They all attend high school at some nameless place. Now- ONWARD TO THE STORY!

Oh, yeah anything in these yadayada is Duo thoughts. Anything in (yadayada) is me chiming in over the muses.

Duo streaked down the stairs, hurtled through the hall, careened around the corner, and dashed through the door to his destination. (no more alliteration- I swear!) The Cafeteria. ah, lunch. Favorite class of the day! Plopping onto a bench, he opened his lunch box. The only one of the six who packed, he grabbed the table every day. ooooh! Tuna! I love when Quatre packs my lunch! 

As if his thoughts had summoned the boy, Quatre arrived at his spot caddy corner Duo. Setting his tray gentle down, he slid onto the bench, unfolded his napkin and placed it across his lap. 

Duo glanced up from scarfing down his food. "Hey, thanks Q-man for the great food!"

Quatre chuckled and turned to his own food. Duo was about to go back to his lunch when he noticed what was on Quatres tray. hmmm.that reminds me. I wonder if I can get Heero to take me to the beach today.go swimming.sunbath.sunbath naked. do other certain _things_ naked.

He was jarred out of his thoughts when their subject, once again, appeared at the table. Flashing a meaningful smile at Heero, he watched the other boy sit down. His smile slipped into a sly grin as he glanced at Heeros tray, then at Heero. When Heero stared blankly at him, he repeated the motion. arg. He is so dense some days.

"Nice lunch, He-koi."

Heero glanced at his tray again. and the light bulb goes off. Heero rolled his eyes and started to eat.

"Your mind is in the gutter, Duo."

"And whose fault is that?"

"."

"See! He can't answer! It would be self incrimination!"

"Duo, it's not like you didn't pollute _his_ mind at all!" Trowa grinned as he joined the group. "Hello, Quatre." His voice dropped an octave.

Quatre flushed straight up to his hair line.

"Hehe. Looks like we're not the only ones with corrupt minds, Q-man."

"Now, Duo, don't tease Quatre."

Duo slanted his lover a suggestive look. "You can spank me later." (bonus points for any reader who recognizes this line!)

A snort interrupted the playful banter.

"Hey, Wufei!"

Wufei glared at Trowa, who had dared to speak to him. A pair of arms wrapped around Wufei's middle and a body snuggling into his back ruined the desired effect, though. Wufeis boyfriend, Lucus, propped his head on Wufeis shoulder. 

"Hi, guys!"

"Hey, Lucus! Did ya see what's for lunch?"

"It was kinda hard to miss." At this, Duo fell off the bench, laughing. The others stared at Duo like the last marble had finally been lost. After several minutes of uncontrolled giggling, Trowa leaned over and poked the quivering mass that was Duo. He looked at the others and shrugged.

"Damned if I know what bit him in the ass."

"Hey! I own his ass, thank you!"

Duo, who had been attempting to pull himself onto the bench, gave up as he collapsed again in laughter. He was quickly joined by the rest of the table as an unidentified voice raised itself in song. 

"Glory, glory, psychotherapy! Glory, glory, sexuality! Glory, glory, now we can be free, as the id goes marching on!" (A/N: its to the tune "glory, glory hallelujah!" anyone who can tell me the name of this song and who sings it can add in a scene to the next chapter!)

After several minutes, the ever stoic (A/N: *snort*) Heero, Trowa, and Wufei were able to pull themselves together. Shortly after, the other three joined in the ranks of the trying-to-act-sane. Lunch resumed in a manner that was calm as to be expected for the next few minutes. Then Quatre pulled out his homework. 

"Mmkay. I need you guys to fill this out for me. The question say 'I..' but fill it in using my personality, please."

The worksheet rated someone's personality on a 1-5 scale of things such as how they act around others, etc. A collective groan went up form the group. Quatre pulled out his puppy eyes, though, and they all went to work. Suddenly Trowa, the fastest reader of the group, froze, his eyes wide. 

"Trowa? Earth to Trowa?" Duo waved his hand in front of Trowa's face, slowly at first, then faster. He looked up at the group, dead-panned. "He's dead."

Quatre laughed. "It's probably just the sheet. It has some odd question on there. My favorite is number eight. 'I disregard external authority or control.'"

Duo glanced up form his prodding of Trowa. "Yeah, but he's only on number five."

The rest of the group read number five. "I put things together in new or unusual ways." The silence was deafening for a few moments, ten the entire table, minus Trowa and the ever dense Quatre, exploded in laughter. The sounds erupting around him snapped Trowa out of his trance just in time to catch a meaningful glance form Heero. 

"So, Trowa, does the Q-man 'put things together in new or unusual ways'?"

Trowa, leering at Quatre, replied slowly, "Hell, yeah!"

The laughter doubled in force. Quatre, finally catching on, choked on his sip of milk. Heero patted him on the back. He halted abruptly when he felt a body hurl itself at his back. Duo immediately stopped laughing and bared his teeth in a silent growl at the blond bimbo who dared to hug _his_ He-koi.

The blond idiot thinks my koi can even stand her! Arg! I'm going to have to kill her!

"Relena." Heeros greeting was tense and full of resentment.

"Oh, Heero! Did you miss me?"

Heero had begun to attempt to pry her arms off his neck. "No, I did not."

Relena giggled. "Of course you did, silly! But don't worry." She winked. "I won't tell the guys. She turned and plunked down next to Heero, pushing Quatre off the bench, and earning glares form everyone at the table. 

Draping herself across the table and Heero in a way meant to be flattering to her "assets", she batted her eye lashes at him. 

"Want to go out to dinner on Friday? The Bistro." She named an expensive Italian restaurant. "Antonio said he would he fix us something special." 

Relena's family, unfortunately, owned the place as well. 

Antonio, do Relena a favor? Ha, that'll bet he day! He's still trying to get her back for wrecking his kitchen.

"Relena."

"Yes, He-chan?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm gay. I'm dating Duo. I lov-"

Relena interrupted with a screech. "That can be fixed!"

The nerve! How dare she-

"Relena! There you are! We need to help us practice our cheers!" Relena was promptly drug away by a herd of girly, giggling, blond bimbos in cheerleader outfits. 

Before the group could breath a sigh of relief, the principal came over.

"Hey, Doc."

"Hello, Duo." The principal was one of those odd people you occasionally find working in the school system- the students actually liked him.

"What brings you over here, Doctor Little?"

"Actually, I needed to talk to you Quatre. A student is looking at the school tomorrow. I want him to shadow you."

"Can do. I'll stop by the office in the morning."

"Thank you very much." With that, Doc vanished.

Duo stared after Doc. "How does he do that?! Oh, well! Newbies are fun!"

"Duo." Duo turned to look at Trowa. "You do realize you're not allowed to let your mind wallow in the gutter tomorrow. No scaring the newbie!"

"No. no slutty comments?"

"Slitting Hobbits?" Wufei popped into the conversation, confused.

"Slutty Hobbits?" Now Quatre was confused as well. 

Duo laughed. "Now that's what I call recycling."

"That's not recycling- that's a cycle."

"Cycle? I would call it a triangle!"

"You mean like Julie, Sara, and Katie?"

The entire group collapsed in laughter, just in time for the bell to ring. 

**A/N**: *giggles* I hope you enjoyed that! The sad thing, here, people, is the fact that I have been in conversations in the past where each and every part of this story took place. And all at lunch. XD Okay- **_PLEASE_****_ REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!_** If you guys like it and ask for more, I can come up with more, easy. I've been hording incidents in the back of my notebook for awhile now. Just tell me, and more will be written. Feel free to add in ideas, too. *nods*

Anyone who likes my 6x9 stuff- I'm working on another fic. I want to start posting by summer. If I'm not, feel free to bugger me to death. The name is "Sword Slave" and the title says it all..


End file.
